As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on
products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer
the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely
scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This
is especially true in light of the findings of 21th century physics.
We therefore propose that the following list of warnings appear on
every product offered for sale in the United States...
Physicists' Warning Labels
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time In Its Vicinity.
However, Nanotechnology Highlights The Non-firing Of The Gravitional Field So General Relativity and Space/Time Warping May No Longer Be Needed To Explain The Field. That Is Not To Say That Space/Time Warping Does Not Occur. However, That Is To Say That The Current Uniformity Of Any Afore-mentioned Space/Time Warping Is Unknown So The Term Vicinity May Be Related To Quantum Resonance Rather Than Mass. But It Should Be Noted That Quantum Resonance May Determine The State Of Mass And Therefore Mass' Relationship To Any Aforementioned Space/Time Continuum. -We Hope That Clears Up Any Misunderstanding.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
It Should Be Noted That The Energy Being Referred To Is Not The Kinetic Energy Gravitional Field Dependent and At A State Rest, But The Subatomic Energy Of Mass. However The Subatomic Energy Of Mass Is Also Kinetic, But Not Dependent On The Gravitional Field For Its Kinetics. However The Field Does Influence The Kinetics Of Quantum States, Once It Has Been Fired. We Hope This Clears Up Any Previous Confusion Over The Attraction Of Mass And The Accumulation Of Mass Which Actually Fires The Field And Enables The Net Yield Of The Aforementioned Caution. However, Casual Handling Should Not Negatively Affect Quantum Field Energy, But May Affect Its Integrated State.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
In Electrical Fields As Yet Not Totally Defined Containing Gravational And Thermodynamic Properties That Be Electrical in Nature, So That The Term Spontaneous Combustion May Not Be Combustion At All, But Thermo-Nuclear in Nature, Which May Be A Result of A Change In Resonance of Integrated Field Dynamics That May Result In The Negation Of Mass. However, Casual Observance Would Suggest This Is Atypical, Which Is Not To Say That It Doesn't Occur At Frequent Intervals.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
This One May Be Optional On The Grounds That Heisenburg Was Never Quite Sure That His Principle Was Correct, Noting That ALL Perception Is Uncertain.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Herein, The Consumer Is Advised That, In Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.
However, It Should Be Noted That The Space May Not Be Empty, But May Contain Fields And Particles Not Yet Observed Or Defined, But At This Time, Most Of The Space Is Considered Empty, That Is Not To Say We Are Not Aware That The Space Is Probably Not Void Of Content, But In Quantum States Not Observed Or Defined At This State Of Conjecture. It Should Be Noted That The Empty Space Probably Contains No Mass, But Since All Mass Is Energy, If The Space Contains Energy Dependent Phase Relationships, Should The Cautionary Label Apply?
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When The Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease To Exist Or Will Exist Only In A Vague and Undetermined State.
Due to Unknown Reasons for its Resonance to Hyper-Accelerate to an Interdimensional State -Where Mass Is No Longer Relevant. However, Since This Is Due To Quantum Field States And Not Space/Time, Your Product Should Not Actually Leave And Excess Mileage Should Not Be Of Any Overly Concern Except As Particles Of Mass In Motion And Thermo-Nuclear Dissipation of Energy Field States. But Since The Second Law Of Thermodynamics Should Not Be Considered Except In Light Of The First, You Should Still Have Your Product In a Dissipated State As Thermo-electromagnetic Field Energy And As Yet Undefined Dissapated Quark Field Energy, That Is To Say If Quarks Actually Dissapate, Then The Stated Uses Of Your Product May No Longer Apply.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That Through A Process Known As "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear At Any Random Place In The Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible For Damages Or Inconvenience That May Result.
However It Should Be Noted That "Speed of Light" and Resonate Frequency of Light in a 4th Dimensional State May Redefine the Qualities and Quanity of Mass, So That Your Neighbor May Not Realize Your Product Has Arrived.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
However Its True Velocity May Be Unknown As The Universe May Not Be Expanding. Its Resonance Relative To Its Reference, May Determine Relative Density Which In Turn Is Determined By Accumulation of Mass Which Fires The Gravitional Field And the Attraction of Mass Which is You, The One Attempting To Lift The Aforementioned Product.
It Should Be Noted That The Only Foreseeable Problem With The Aforementioned Cautionary Labels Is All Perceptions Are In Quantum States and Subject To Change Without Notice.
This is so fun... :-)
Have a great day!