The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution."You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.
'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready.
Now I do it in seven."
After a quarrel, the husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The wife replied, "Yes dear, I know; but I was in love and didn't notice it at the time."
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said. "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very generous, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
An airline pilot wrote that on a particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
He felt a sigh of relief finally, as everyone had gotten off the plane except this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, ma'am. What is it?" "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
A Woman walked into her kitchen to find her husband with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" "Killing flies." "Killing any?"
"Yes. Three males and two females." "How do you know?"
"Three were on the beer can and two were on the phone."
A passenger tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mam, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said she didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver...I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive.
So I asked him if he wanted to role play the movie Psycho?"
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children one day."How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?" asks Joan. "Oh, that's easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat on his bed." "Why does that wake him up?"
"He sleeps with the dog."
Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Southern California."
Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel south and set up in a vacant lot. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up—he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
On the next attempt, Scott finally catches Glenn and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks."Was the cord too long?"
Glenn cathes his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me... what the heck is a piñata?"
One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"
The Pirate responded "We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."
Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"
The pirate responded "Well, me crew and me were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."
"Then where did ya get the eye patch from?" the bartender then asked.
The pirate said " In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over me head and it pottied right in me eye."
The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you need an eye patch?"
"It was irst day with me hook."
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 sick days, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The young Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah... but you started it."
"Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving."
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?
Little Andy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the boy was doing, he asked, "What are you up to there, Andy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Andy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor frowned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?
Andy patted down the last heap of earth. "That's because he's inside your cat."
TOP REASONS FOR DRIVING AN OLD BEAT-UP CAR
Park it in front of your house and it warns off people trying sell stuff.
You can leave it unlocked anywhere.
You don't need to worry about people parking too close; they won't.
You never have to drive your boss anywhere - or your friends for that matter.
You get to intimidate newer cars--you're the one with nothing to lose...
Have a great day!