Keep Pullin' On That String...
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishoners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower.
“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.
“I’m just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”
The boy said, “You got a deal.”
The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”
The little boy said, “That’s ’cause you have to cuss at it to get it started.”
The preacher said, “I’m a minister, I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t know if I even remember how to cuss.”
The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!”
A guy sees a buddy and notices that his friend's car is total wreck. It is covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt, and blood.
He asks his friend, "So what happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responds, "I ran into a lawyer."
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood, but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches, and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party with several well-to-do guests attending.
During the festivities, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. As a guest watched…. one gardener was busy weeding when the other suddenly leaped high into the air, spun about, and gracefully swirled.
Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, “That man is such a talented dancer, I’d pay him $500 to dance at my next party!”
When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, “Hey Louie! Do you think for $500 you could step on that rake again?
My daughter and her husband, naval reservists, have an eight-year-old son. When one of his parochial school classmates told my daughter that Angus had said a bad word, she said, "He can't help it. Both his parents are sailors."
Custom at Duquesne University dictated that if a professor was ten minutes late, class was canceled. One professor arrived early for a 9 a.m. lecture.
He placed his hat on his desk, and went to the faculty room. Before he knew it, it was 9:10. By the time he got back to his classroom, it was empty.
The next day, he let his students have it. "When my hat is here," he fumed, "I'm here!"
The following day, the professor arrived at 9 a.m. He was met by the sight of 28 hats on 28 desks -- and no students.
When my daughter was preparing for her school's "career week," a time when career options are discussed and often led by representatives of different professions, we talked about my job as an airline customer-services representative.
I mentioned that one of my responsibilities was to load passengers' luggage at the check-in counter.
I later found out to my dismay that my daughter had listed my occupation as "Bag Lady."
Hoping to lose some weight, my wife told me she wanted to get an exercise bicycle.
I reminded her that she had a very nice and rather expensive bike in the garage.
She explained that she wanted a stationary one.
"That's why you need to lose ten pounds, your bicycle has been stationary." I replied.
After the look, I got the bike.
Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of show and tell that day had been parents' occupations.
The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living."
I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.
When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at different motels."
While at a marine-supply store stocking up on equipment for my boat, I also purchased an inflatable life preserver.
"It was my wife's idea," I explained to the grizzled salesman at the counter. "She's buying it for me as a gift."
"Lucky you," he said as he started to write up the order. "My wife got me a length of chain and a cement block."
We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone.
One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan.
The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached.
I thanked her, rang that number and was greeted with, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery."
For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper.
"That was a nice shot," I commented.
"It's my passport picture," she revealed.
"Really?" I stared in complete amazement at my homebody grandma. "Where did you go?"
"Walgreens," she replied.
Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don't know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader.
Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it's done.
One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it.
I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing me."
As my five-year-old son and I were heading to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.
Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for whoever might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest voice: "Dear God, please don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
Every year, each employee at my company meets with his or her supervisor to review whether past goals have been met.
A woman in the cubicle next to mine received an appointment time for her "Performance Management Schedule," as it's called and highlighted it on her desktop calendar.
"Wow! I guess everyone knows when to avoid you," said a colleague who was passing by. Puzzled, my neighbor glanced at the calendar...
She'd written: "PMS 1:00."
The receptionist for the company where I'm employed found some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker.
She sent the following e-mail: "If anybody can say where they lost $66, please let me know and it will be returned to you."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Kentucky Derby, 1986."
Harry is tired of his girlfriend's very extravagant tastes, so on her birthday, he takes her to a very nice, quiet and somewhat romantic restaurant that isn't too expensive.
"Oh no!" she says, "Take me someplace expensive!"
...So he drops her off at the gas station.
From Reader's Digest
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