A Matter of  Perspective
The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. A woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"
"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response.
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"OK, write this: 'Fred dead.'"
"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."
"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"OK, write this: 'Fred dead, Cadillac for sale.' "
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a vacation at this time.
So I thought that maybe if I acted 'Stressed' he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blond) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was  a light bulb,  She said, "Ohh..."

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office....

When my co-worker (the blond) followed me, the Boss asked her,
"And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home, too..."
"You can't possibly expect me to work in the dark!"
"There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
"Water in the carburetor? What makes you say that? It is probably something else. That's okay, honey..I'll check it out."
"I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
"I didn't know you knew what a carburetor was. That's great, honey! Okay, I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the pool."
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, the man answered,
"High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" 
"Neither. It's from my wife's side of the family."
"You can't get high blood pressure from your mate's side of the family."
Then came a sigh, "You oughta meet 'em sometime..."
Someone once sent me a post card with a picture of space, taken from space. On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."
"What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?"
"The slightest noise wakes me up."
"How did you get that lump on your head?"
"I got hit by some beans."
"How could some little beans give you such a big lump?"
"They were still in the can. "
I was on the bus when I suddenly realized I had uh...gas. The music was really loud, so I timed the uh..releases with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started feeling better and the bus was approaching my stop.
As I was getting off bus, people were really staring me down. It was then I realized...
I was listening to my iPod.   
Have a great day!

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